


Trail Of Tears

by alexus



Series: The Memories Remain [3]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comics), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 04:39:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14512740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexus/pseuds/alexus
Summary: Willow travels through parallel universe to ease the pain of loss.





	Trail Of Tears

**Author's Note:**

> Songs belong to W.A.S.P. and Judas Priest. Everything else belongs to Joss Almighty!

_Come and take me down_   
_The dark beyond_   
_And take me there_   
_Where I come from_

_Take me down_   
_To the place where I'll kneel_   
_And let me lay my shadow down_   
_In though the eyes_   
_Of a child's inner me_   
_No pain to heal my bloodied brow_

_There is no rain_   
_To save this silent town_   
_There is no rain to save at all_   
_There is no place_   
_To save this silent ground_   
_There is no place to save at all…_

A lonely female figure moved slowly amongst the barren rocky landscape, which looked like some hilarious blend between the Death Valley of her native California and some distant planet she used to see in the movies like Star Wars or Dune when she was a kid.

The sun has already reached its zenith and started moving slowly in the opposite direction. The mysterious lady clad in the long black dress stopped and stared fixedly into the distance. Her beautiful green eyes blinked at the sight. She looked otherworldly with the hot desert wind in her pitch black hair that used to be auburn red. Her hair went black, but she wasn't evil. She was in grief.

There was something quite otherworldly about the whole place either. They called it Wonderland, yet it bore more resemblance to Wasteland than anything else. Some kinda Valley of Doom. Somewhere in the parallel dimensions, where time runs not too fast and not too slow, but in its own wicked ways. The place with its own physical laws. The place behind the secret doors, that only the chosen few can open. The place where someone like her belongs.

She has learned how to enter those realms long ago. She could come in here as if it was her second home. There was a time she could cross any portal, go anywhere, do anything, break every rule, make every dream come true. Nothing seemed able to stop her. If she’d wanted to rule the world, mankind would already be lying at her feet. She had it all: the gift, the knowledge, the power. No-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners magic…

None of this had mattered anymore however. For no magic, no power and no riches of the world could heal the deep wound inside her heart. No secret knowledge could ease her pain. There was no spell to bring back hope or make her feel less lonely and miserable.

In a way she was ashamed of herself. Almost all the things she thought were precious to her, were swept away by the cruel hand of Fate. Many things she believed in turned out to be wrong. She had acquired a lot, but lost so much more in the end…

_Father - oh do you hear me_   
_This pain I will not cry aloud_   
_Father - I know you hear me_   
_My head is bludgeoned but unbowed…_

*****

  
She continued her way. She wasn’t looking back, didn’t know what lies ahead. The place was somewhat familiar: she saw it in her dreams several times after Xander was gone. She knew she had to be here, had no idea why.

She didn’t have time to seek answers to questions like “where”, “why” and “how”. She wasn’t bothered, she didn’t care.

Her mind was flooded with memories. Looking back, she kept asking herself the only question significant: “Was it worth it all?” She was afraid she already knew the answer.

*****

  
_There's a thousand voices in my head_  
 _Long ago_  
 _Come inside, see yourself tonight_  
 _Let me in, floating on the wind_  
 _Oh, I don't know_  
 _The sound your hear_  
 _Are silent in the night_

_God I'm dying on a trail of tears_   
_Where tomorrow never knows_   
_A resurrection closer to a_   
_Light I've never known_   
_Play the game existence to the_   
_Living end I go_   
_Take me down to the trail of tears_   
_Where tomorrow never knows_

Her slightly hazy mind continued bringing back memories of days gone by. She remembered her childhood, the times when things seemed rosy in the garden. Those were the days of innocence and naivety, her own little golden age. Those were the days of Willow and Xander. Long gone days, when all they had was each other. Before Buffy, Oz, Anya or Tara, before Scooby Gang and vampires. Before magic, death and destruction. When Sunnydale was still around and didn’t look like hell on earth. When Jesse was alive and well, and Amy didn’t turn evil…

She remembered playing with Xand and Jesse in the backyard of her family home, school bus trips and math lessons. She remembered ice-cream and Twinkies, stolen Barbie and the yellow crayon, late night telephone chats and legendary Snoopy dance, sleepovers and pizza parties… She recalled comforting Xander when things went bad at his place, and taking comfort from her best friend when Cordy tried to make her life a living hell, or she just felt abandoned and neglected by her constantly absent parents. She remembered her own silent tears shed with the face on the pillow in the darkness of her room. Her unanswered prayers and unfulfilled desires.

She remembered sharing a kiss with the boy of her dreams in the surroundings of her room at the eve of the Homecoming. The awkwardness and the magic of the moment. She remembered all that followed. It was just a fluke, the illicit smoochies, she continued telling herself back in those days. She had Oz. The small affair with Xander probably didn’t mean that much back then. Yet it sure as hell means a lot to her now.

And then there was this tender warmth of his embrace on the Kingman’s Bluff, love and understanding radiating from her best friend despite Willow’s attempt to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, despite the bleeding slashes on Xander’s chest and cheek. Despite anger, hate and sorrow. His willingness to sacrifice his own life just to comfort her…

“It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end, where else would I wanna be?” – she could still hear his voice in her dreams.

“It doesn't matter. I'll still love you” – those words kept ringing in her head ever since. She had recalled them even here, in this mystical place, among the haunted rock formations under the desert sun… She continued to cherish memories like that, ‘cause memories were all that she had after they buried her Xander in the cold ground…

*****  
Willow Rosenberg always knew she’s gone pretty far, moving up some sort of ‘corporate ladder’. There wasn’t in fact a too long way from Willow The Shy Bookish Girl from Sunnydale High, head over heels in love with her oblivious best friend, to Willow The Witch, the Slayer’s right hand, the one who could change the course of history and end up warning Rupert Giles aka The Ripper not to piss her off. In between there were the days of ‘sex, magic and rock-n-roll’. Days when she had learned a lot – even ‘bout her own sexuality… Days when she rejected her former self in order to become someone new, someone else… When she had made her choice in favor of Power and Knowledge, leaving behind many simpler things that ordinary people were so happy about.

She has evolved from the mousy little girl to the kick-ass Wicca. Someone who could easily alter reality and cross portals between dimensions, the one who brought people back from the dead and activated all the Slayers thus forever changing the balance in the world as we know it. The one who challenged the most powerful forces and went to bed with the most gorgeous women…

She was ordinary human no more. She was the Chosen One. She lived among the gifted ones, the extraordinary: Buffy and Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles, Cordelia Chace, Tara Maclay, Spike, Faith Lehane, Oz, Winifred Burkle, Angel, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, Aluwyn etc. There were lots of others: humans, vampires, demons, spirits, werewolves, gods. The most powerful beings to ever walk the face of the Earth…

Buffy, Oz, Tara, Aluwyn – all of them epitomized power of enormous kind. They made her feel special. They were the Chosen Ones, Xander wasn’t. For years she tried to persuade herself she has done nothing wrong: she couldn’t change her ways, couldn’t progress without leaving something (and someone) behind.

But sometimes all the power and knowledge, all the allies and lovers proved to be easily defeated and set aside by the sincerity of those words: “You’re my best friend… I love you”. Words she’ll hear no more.

Since the first year in college Buffy Summers took over Willow’s Best Friendship department. She was one of her kind. She was stronger and more mature. She seemed to understand Willow the way Xander couldn’t. The blonde Slayer appeared to have more in common with the witch than the boy with goofy smile from Willow’s adolescent fantasies.

But life taught Ira Rosenberg’s only daughter to re-evaluate many things and review many choices over the years. And even though she’d never admit it, choices that seemed obvious then, evoked more disappointment than anything else now…

Of course, in terms of strength and personal charisma Xander was no match for Buffy, Spike or Aluwyn… But since the day she has learned about his death, it had become more and more clear, that Xander possessed something none of them had. Something Willow herself couldn’t explain if been asked directly, but something she could feel. ‘Cause, like it or not, the late Alexander Harris was very unusual in his own way.

*****

  
_Flashback._

It could be an ordinary evening spent among books that contained knowledge ancient, secret and dangerous. As a devoted book-lover through her entire lifetime, Willow felt close to happiness in places like this. The young witch loved everything about the quiet and mystery of the library halls: the lights, the smell, the sounds…

Since leaving Sunnydale the libraries were one of those few things (apart from magic and sex) that brought real joy to Willow Rosenberg. She liked it being there either alone with only books to keep her company, or together with those who shared the passion, i.e., Giles.

This time however something felt different. Something felt strange and not right. Something sinister was in the air. Willow didn’t know what that was, but her inner radar made strange signals as she tried to concentrate on an ancient Hebrew text. She tried to ignore those things and continued reading, but the sinking feeling had no intention to leave the witch alone.

Suddenly a blood stain appeared on one of her pocketbook’s opened pages, soon followed by two more drops. “Oh, another nosebleed, just great…” – Willow muttered… She quickly rose up and headed for the bathroom.

…After washing her face Willow looked around. The silence was deafening, but the sinking sensation continued to grow. She could hear her heart pounding, like a jackhammer. Her legs started to tremble. She was suffocating and drenched in sweat. The light bulbs over her head flickered a little…

This was definitely not good. A wave of panic swept over the young woman. It was the same feeling she got anytime something really bad was about to happen.

Gasping for breath, Willow ran outside. It was late. The full moon was hanging over the place. She held her head up high, looking for the answers in the dark of the night sky. She couldn’t say what was happening, yet she felt something was terribly wrong. This whole quiet evening scene, i.e., the pale moon among the dark clouds only added fuel to the fire. Willow started to shake from the cold outside.

And then she headed back. She wanted to make sure everything was alright. Agitated she ran upside, almost knocking down Giles at the entrance to library hall. The cellphone fell from Watcher’s hands and hit the floor.

“Oh, Giles, I’m so sorry…” – Willow said, looking apologetically at her friend, leaning down to pick up the phone.

Giles didn’t answer. He looked shocked. The deadly pale Watcher was staring at the witch silently, as if trying to find the proper words to deliver some news. Not good news apparently.

“Giles, w-what’s the matter? W-what h-happened?” – Willow sensed that she wouldn’t like what Giles was about to say…

“W-Willow, I’m afraid I h-have very bad news…” – Giles wanted to continue but the words stuck in his throat…

Willow’s heart sank. “G-Giles, I-I don’t understand you… Please, tell me what happened!”

“Faith c-called me… and sh-she told m-me that…” – Giles swallowed hard… Part of him wanted to tell Willow everything, but another part was strongly against it…

“What did she tell you, Giles??” – Willow’s voice was shaky and nearly hysterical… Tears appeared at the corners of her eyes. – “Is it Buffy? Something happened to Buffy?? Giles, tell me!!”

“N-no… Not Buffy. Its… Xander… There w-was a b-big fight and h-he didn’t make it…”

Willow felt like something hit her in the head and her heart almost stopped beating. She opened her mouth, but no words came out of it… She looked at her old friend, wide-eyed, in horror and disbelief.

“Our Xander has died, Willow…” – Giles was himself shaking. He didn’t want to believe in what he said. – “Our friend Xander… he’s gone…”

“NO!” – the scream of utter horror and pain rocked the place as the redhead sprung back. The worst thing that could happen to her, the thing she was afraid the most, the thing that haunted her in the nightmares, had finally become a grim reality… Her Xander was gone. Her best friend has left her…

“Willow, I…”

“No!..” – Willow slammed her back against the wall and then started slowly sliding down to the ground, sobbing. Her heart was torn apart. – “No… Goddess, please, no… Not Xander… No…”

And then her world went blank…

_End flashback._

*****

  
As Willow’s figure continued floating among rocks, sands and occasional herb beneath the setting sun, she continued reflecting. In the past few years she had lived life to the fullest. She had done incredible things, been witness to groundbreaking events. In a pretty young age Willow Rosenberg had already achieved as much as many others could in their whole life.

But the questions remained. They kept fucking her mind time and time again. The biggest one: was it really worth?..

Until recently she rarely thought about why she and Xander had drifted so far apart. She loved him, she wanted him, she didn’t get what she wanted. Her inner spoiled child has told her to push the boy out of her life as far as possible. No offence, Xand, I love you, but I have to get over you… My world cannot revolve around you forever. I can’t be with the one I love, so I’ll better love the one I’m with already. I have Oz and I have Tara, and I have magic… The Gang, and helping Buffy are my top priorities from now on…

Of course, she had never turned her back on Xander completely. But at the same time she tried to keep the distance. “I’m over you, sweetie” – her own words have been ringing in her head since she had learned there would be no more conversations like these. Part of Willow believed her decision was right. It seemed unlikely that she would get this far, if Alexander Harris continued to be the center of her universe.

Sure, Xander was a big part of Willow’s past. This couldn’t have been said about the later years. And he definitely wasn’t a huge part of her future… There seemed to be some kind of natural progression of every childhood friendship. At 27 you can’t think or act the way you did when you were twelve…

What she didn’t take into account, was the strength of this special Willow-Xander bond that kept two of them almost inseparable for many years since kindergarten. The said bond proved to be powerful to such extent that the death of one made life miserable for the other. Xander wasn’t her number one friend for a very long time, but at least he was around… She knew he was alive and well and still could be quite entertaining. She could call him, she could write, she could meet him in person. They could talk, joke, laugh, hug, cry and remember the good old times, even think for a moment that they were still the small kids…

And now Xander was gone. The very thought of it kept hitting her mercilessly like a Olaf’s Enchanted Hammer of the Troll Gods. All the magic and all the knowledge of dark secrets were powerless against this stone cold fact… In recent years the Witch didn’t think that much about what she would do if something like that had come knocking at her door… And now she was paying the hard price for her arrogance, for taking Xander for granted.

Slowly walking on the wasteland of the parallel dimension, Willow began to see the obvious pattern echoing throughout her life. The witch was kind of destined to lose someone she loved. First it was Jenny, her mentor. Then it was Kendra, her comrade. Then Oz, her boyfriend and first lover (wasn’t dead actually, but almost totally gone out from her life). Then Joyce, her surrogate mother and one of the kindest people she knew. The murder of Tara, her true shining light in the darkness of the world, the epitome of love and kindness, nearly pushed Willow over the edge. She thought it couldn’t get worse. But several years later her best friend and savior was also taken from her…

*****

  
Tara and Xander… As long as she lives, those two will have a very special place in her heart.

They were different in their human nature, and Willow’s relationship with both of them differed. Xander was awkward, easy-going and funny type, Tara was all about shyness and tenderness. Xander was the best friend, Tara was something more. Yet the two cared about the young redhead and were always ready to do anything for her. They loved her for who she was, they loved her no matter what. They gave her hope and faith – each in his or her own unique way.

And Willow felt blessed to have them in her life. She knew she would never have made it through the darkness of the magic addiction or the descent into evil triggered by Warren’s bullet, if at least one of them wasn’t around. She knew she would never come to terms with losing Tara and Xander.

All her subsequent relationships lacked the sincerity and warmth, the delicacy and innocence, understanding and some childish naivety of the life-long friendship with Xander or true romance with fellow Wicca. In recent years everything was more about lust, power and control.

Willow realized there will be no one like Xander and Tara in her life. The solitude and misery of her dying days were the only things waiting at the horizon…

_My feet are raw from the_   
_Trail where I've been_   
_Oh God these tears are evermore_   
_My heart is gone_   
_Oh to never come back again_   
_I'll walk the stars_   
_On my way home…_

*****

  
_Flashback._

“You gotta remember who you are, Willow. Always remember who you are” – the snake lady whispered, smiling mischievously and stroking Willow’s cheek. – You gotta know what you’re capable of”.

“And what am I capable of?” – murmured the redhead witch, enjoying every sensation her body was experiencing from her mentor’s magic touch.

“You have this power within you. It’s the power of an enormous kind. You can change the world, Willow. You can rule this world and have every creature living and un-living at your feet…” – Aluwyn’s voice almost put Willow into trance. – “You’ve got the power to heal and power to kill. You’re the best of all my disciples. If you follow my course, no one will be able to challenge you, my dear, in the art of witchcraft or any other field. All slayers combined are no match for your strength”.

These words sounded like music to Willow’s ears. Still Wicca had her doubts.

“Enormous power brings enormous responsibilities.” – she sighed, enjoying her lover’s embrace. – “True, I’ve learned a lot and you are the best teacher I ever had, but… I still don’t feel that strong to face everything that comes with the package. I have failed my test once, and it did no good to anyone. I just don’t want to go down the same path once again…”

“You are strong enough, Willow, believe me” – the demon sorceress spoke tenderly, while caressing witch’s naked form. – “You’ve become a Higher Being, my love, don’t you know it? That’s what I’m tryin’ to make you see.”

“As for the good or no good you’ve mentioned…” – Aluwyn continued smirking. – “My girl, you and me, we are above such things. We are beyond good and evil. This nonsense – it is for ordinary humans, for the weaker ones, it doesn’t apply to someone like us. We are the beings of another kind”.

“You mean rules for us, rules for them?” – Willow looked at her mentor and lover chuckling.

“Yeah, sweetie pie” – Aluwyn leaned down and licked her girlfriend’s cheek. – “It has always been like that. The thing is: we are different. You are different. You’re one step away from becoming an Immortal. So don’t let all these rules and regulations stand in your way to perfection, lover. Don’t let mortal hypocrites with their mortal ways grind you down!”

It was tempting, of course, to have the whole world at the feet. Who would imagine something like this back in high school? Willow the Computer Geek was the thing of the past once and for all, Willow the Higher Being was about to take what was rightfully hers. She felt the power of enormous kind pulsating through her, her body aroused from Aluwyn’s touch, the softness of the bed sheets and her own nudity.

She was in seventh heaven longing to merge with the vital energy, with the essence of magic. Her inner power continued to increase with every touch or kiss. What she and the sorceress had was definitely more than just a physical thing, more than just desire and lust…

It seemed like the world has stopped turning, and Willow could see everything from a different angle. The temptation was overwhelming: for a moment she didn’t want to leave this place, didn’t want to leave Aluwyn’s arms, didn’t want to come back to her world and her human existence.

But then all of a sudden some other images flew through Wicca’s mind. Pure madness in the eyes of Angelus. Jenny’s grave. Evil Mayor’s ascendance and what was left of Sunnydale High. Adam whose very existence was the violation of every law of God and man. Beloved Tara after her mind was raped by Glory. Buffy’s lifeless body after taking a fatal leap from the godless tower. Herself abandoned and devastated by magic addiction. Tara killed by the stray bullet. Warren flayed. Xander standing with slashes on his chest and cheek, speaking words of love and compassion. Possessed Spike chained in the school basement. Xander shocked and sedated lying in the hospital bed. Sunnydale being swallowed by the Hellmouth… In every of those episodes power played a significant role.

Yes, Willow saw too much in her life. She saw power doing amazing things, and in much more cases bringing pain, grief and death to everyone she loved.

Her whole life has taught Willow Rosenberg quite a simple thing: power corrupts. It gives you almost everything, but takes away much more. Everything comes with a price – sometimes a heavy one. Was it really worth?..

Little did she know what price she would have to pay…

_End flashback._

  
*****

  
_Once I dreamed that love would come and sweep me up away_  
 _Now it seems life's passed me by, I'm still alone today_  
 _Here come the tears_

_Looks like it'll always be the same_   
_No one here to comfort me_   
_Here come the tears…_

After what seemed to be like hours of making her way through the dry terrain of parallel-universe Mojave Desert, Willow reached the place, which looked different. There were lots of greenery and very beautiful flowers with shapes and colors unseen in the so-called real world. Another thing caught her attention: the grotto made up of some weirdly-colored limestone. Tender sounds of dripping echoing from the small cave implied the existence of a well inside the rock formation.

Dusk was falling rapidly, the stars gleamed across the darkening void of night skies. Something was very supernatural about the place, even considering the fact that the surroundings themselves existed in the mystical universe. Willow could fill the magic of a purest kind in her bones.

She had a strange feeling: not bad, not good, just strange. Nightfall was the matter of time. Was it safe enough or was she strong enough to continue travelling the witch couldn’t say. She sat down on the stone, burying her face in her knees.

“You have come a mighty long way, Willow the Witch” – voice like thunder shattered the quiet of the coming night.

“Huh?” – Willow almost squeaked, raising her head and regaining consciousness. She looked around, spotting the bright white female figure to the right. She’s never seen her before in this world or the others – that’s definitely.

There was something majestic, even godlike about the strange woman: long blinding white gown, strikingly beautiful long silver-golden hair. Her whole appearance was of pride, might and self-will.

Xander would’ve called this chick Galadriel jokingly, if he was at the scene, Willow thought. Xander… The mere mention of her friend’s name brought more memories and heartache…

“Who are you?” – Willow asked, trying to sound as cool as she could. – “And do we know each other?”

“I’m a spirit,” – woman replied in a voice full of dignity and power – “The messenger of the Powers That Be. I don’t go by any name. Some call me the Messenger. You don’t know me, but I do know everything about you. In fact, I knew you long before you were born, Willow Rosenberg. Far back in the past, before you were conceived, I saw the road you have chosen”.

Willow didn’t know what to say. Last thing she needed at the moment was the conversation like this.

“So… where does it lead us?” – Wicca inquired, studying white lady’s features pointedly. The woman just frowned in return.

“I mean, what do the Powers want with me?”

“You already know the answer” – lady said firmly.

Willow just raised her eyebrow. She didn’t like speaking in riddles.

“The Powers That Be want to make you an offer. You have got a terrific gift, Willow. The power within you is something very few of the Chosen Ones can possess. Even less of a Higher Beings lived their whole lives to gain the things you’ve learned in a very young age. You are the mage with power unheard of in modern history. You changed the course of the eternal war between Good and Evil. You saved mankind from enslavement by the dark forces…”

“Saved mankind? I didn’t do it all by myself…” – the Wicca decided to interrupt.

“This force inside of you…” – the Messenger continued. – “It’s the power of Mother Earth herself, primordial and unbound. There are no gates you cannot open and no battles you cannot win… Nothing can stop you! But there’s so much more to you.”

“You said you know everything about me.” – Willow replied – “And by everything I mean each and every moment from the life of mine. You must have known that I wasn’t a responsible magic user in the days of my youth, and still have problems with keeping things at bay. I’ve hurt a lot of people and done many things I still repent for. I’ve nearly brought this world to an end… Whatever you want, I doubt I can be good for you”.

“Believe me, Willow, the Powers know everything. They know you better than yourself, and even I can smell the power radiating from you” – the strange lady appeared to be not impressed with redhead’s disinterest.

“I am not the only one with the power out there” – Willow pointed out.

“You are. But not every witch can claim she had defeated the First Evil!”

“Like I said, I wasn’t the only one at the scene. I was just piece of a puzzle.”

“The Powers That Be want to grant you immortality” – the messenger lady decided to get straight to the point. – “They offer you the gift very few had a chance to take. First and foremost, that means the Powers appreciate your contribution to the fight. Your talents and abilities, which are enormous, can be of great help in preserving humanity at the face of its sworn enemies. Your gift can ensure the victory for the forces of light in the battles to come. Offers like that are the great honor for anyone. The only thing the Powers need is your approval…”

She looked Willow in the eyes, making it seem like she knew the witch through and through, and through. Years ago Willow would be left speechless with excitement and delight after learning about such recognition of her achievements. She would be proud, so would Giles and Buffy, Angel, Xander, Dawn…

Now however she wasn’t at all happy or impressed. For Willow at her current state of mind immortality meant only one thing: she would have to live while everyone she loved continued to die. Until there’d come a day when she would have to walk through this world all one.

She couldn’t live without the comfort from her friends, without their smiles, their warmth, their talk. She couldn’t exist without many small things that had to be totally irrelevant to someone gifted with such power.

“You know, I do really appreciate the Powers’ recognition and I thank them for the offer” – Willow said after deep sigh. – “But I’m afraid I cannot accept it…”

For a moment the lady in white seemed stunned. Turning down offers like that wasn’t something she was accustomed for in her existence.

“You reject Immortality, Willow Rosenberg? Don’t you know things like that can be offered only once in one’s lifetime? If you change your mind in the future there will be no road back and no second chances.”

“I understand. But see… the thing is… I’ve lost my oldest and dearest friend not so long ago. It may sound strange to you at least, but after he was gone I’m not interested in such things anymore. You know, I’ve lost two most important people in my life, people I loved with all my heart, the ones that mean the world to me… None of those things you talk about – magic, power, knowledge – either helped to avoid the loss or eased the pain of knowing I’ll never see both of them again. Where were your Powers That Be when Tara and Xander were taken from me?!”

“The Powers That Be keep balance between good and evil in this world” – white lady replied.

“Balance?..” – Willow frowned. – “You know, I’m not into playing these games any longer. I’m sick and tired of it all. The Powers treat all of just like some living pawns in chess. Unfortunately what most of you view as a chess move, are the matters of life and death to us, humans…”

“You are not…”

“I am human!” – Willow eyes nearly turned black as she became more and more irritated with the dialogue. – “My powers do not change a thing about that. I may know and may have the ability to do the things most people can’t, but that doesn’t make me some sort of Higher Being. ”

“The powers of yours are the gift most mortals crave for but never get. You shouldn’t treat this tremendous gift you’ve got in such a careless way” – white lady insisted.

“Maybe I shouldn’t, but, you know… Immortality and stuff like that… they don’t matter when solitude is all you’re left with… I would trade all the powers you’re talking about in a heartbeat, I would give up everything if my best friend could be here, with me, alive and well!”

“You reject the offer to help mankind withstand the attacks of the forces of darkness?” – Messenger asked. – “The Powers can give you time to think…”

“I’m afraid I am not the one you need” – Willow sighed. – “Like I said, some years ago I would have been delighted by the invitation. But everything has changed. Losing someone you love makes you review many of your choices and priorities, makes you see way too many things from a different angle... I do want to help people fighting the darkness and I have no intention to dodge my commitment, but those power games… Ain’t got no energy for ‘em…”

The Messenger frowned and looked with an air of latent disbelief. She’d really expected different reaction from one of the strongest Wiccas in all dimensions.

“If I’m really that powerful as you think I am” – Willow wanted to specify her decision. – “Than I guess I’ve learned something all along the way. That is precisely the lesson I’ve learned: magic has consequences. The power has consequences. Stuff like Immortality always has repercussions. Always! I have failed to notice it when I only started practicing witchcraft and hurt a lot of people and did a considerable damage… The gifts from Powers do not go without a price. I don’t wanna walk through this world for ages, alone, with no one by my side, leaving everyone I love and care for behind.”

“It’s not…” – the attempted to prove Willow wrong, but the witch didn’t buy it.

“Their love and trust are the things that guide me. They’re my driving force which allows me to carry one. Magic cannot beat love – just admit it! Up there on your Olympus it’s probably the other way around, but in my world… Let us say, there are things much more important…” – Wicca’s eyes were huge and her heart started beating faster.

“This friend of yours… Xander… I knew he was important to you…”

“Believe me” – Willow sighed with bitter smile. – “You have no idea who he was for me or for anyone blessed enough to meet him. He was… a part of me, my better half… He is the reason I do the things I do, it’s because of him I continued to fight, it’s because of his unconditional love I could resist the urge to join the dark side. He was my true friend for many years and he’s one of those people who made me what I am today… And now that he’s gone…”

The witch turned away trying to resist the coming of fresh tears.

Both women stood in silence for what seemed to be like eternity. It was the nighttime already, but due to stars shining brightly and the Messenger’s white gown the place in front of the grotto didn’t tumble into complete darkness.

“What are you gonna do?” – the woman in white decided to break the haunting quietude of the night. – “What is your quest, Willow Rosenberg?”

Willow raised an eyebrow but didn’t respond immediately. She still needed time to articulate those things inside her mind. Obviously, it wasn’t such an easy task when all she had to do at the moment was to defend her decisions.

“Why are you here?” – Messenger from the Powers attempted to dig deeper.

“I am here because I have to” – Willow said finally. – “As for my quest… I have to figure it out I guess… There’s a road I must travel… I have no knowledge where it leads, but the answer may be revealed while I’m on my way. I need to learn how to deal with it all.”

“Willow, are you certain you’re up for what lays ahead?” – the lady ask with some softness, quite unusual for a Higher Beings like her.

“No I’m not” – the witch confessed – “Uncertainty is the part of human nature, part of our existence. Something that makes us different from all those endowed with the enormous powers. I don’t have all the answers, never had in fact. Once I thought I knew everything but I had to learn the hard way I was stupid…”

“We respect your decision, Willow” – the woman declared with some traces of solemnity in her voice. – “Though we wish you won’t regret it in the end…”

“I appreciate your concern” – Willow replied softly, trying to combat the drowsiness. – “But it’s my God-given right to win or lose…”

_All alone, no one cares._   
_So much to give to you all out there._   
_Take me now, in your arms._   
_Let me rest, safe from harm._

_Ohh I want to be loved_   
_I need to be loved_   
_Won't somebody love me?.._

 

*****

  
_Flashback._

It was one of those rare moments when everything seemed to be more or less right. Not your usual evening, quiet and peaceful, under the Indian summer skies. The smell of fallen leaves filled the air. Two people, a man and a woman, were sitting on the park bench, engaging in a pleasant conversation. To the casual observer it might look like a meeting of two old friends that were separated by continents for a long time.

“So… How’s everybody doin’? How you doin’, Will? Do you have any good news for an old Xand-man?” – dark-haired guy gazed warmly at his companion with his one good eye.

“I dunno Xander… Something’s always happening out there, you know” – Willow said tucking her red hair back behind her ear. – “No new apocalypse at hand, at least for now, which is quiet a good news”.

“Yeah, that’s good to hear” – Xander chuckled.

“Buffy… You know how Buffy is… Slaying and leading this younger generation of slayers, trying her best to be good elder sis and also tryin’ to make her complicated life a little less complicated.”

Seeing as the grin appeared on her best friend’s face, Willow smiled in return and continued: “Dawnie’s mostly doin’ fine though sometimes she finds it hard to adjust herself to her new role as a Watcher. All those rules and duties, you know… But she likes her job anyway. She’s big girl now and very smart.”

“Yeah…” – Xander agreed. – “Sweet Dawnie is amazing. I’m proud of her and she’ll make it big someday… Maybe she’ll even follow G-Man’s footsteps and rise up to be the Council’s head. It could make the headlines: younger sister of the longest living Slayer becomes the head of the Watchers Council.”

“I always knew you were a strong believer when it comes to Dawn” – redhead gave him a wink.

“Of course, I am. But for now I would like her simply to be happy, ‘cause she deserves to be. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d be more than happy if she found someone who’ll love her and never break her heart.”

“Give her time, Xander. She’s only twenty-two.”

“You’re right, Wills. What about our old friend G-Man?”

“Giles is Giles” – Wicca replied with a smile. – “24/7 into Council and Slayer stuff, you know. This is his life after all. I still wonder where he gets all this energy. Sometimes I think it’s a pure magic and the guy is just some kind of Merlin or Gandalf. Though I must admit there are some notable changes… on the love front.”

Xander nearly burst into laughter, but managed to take hold of himself.

“That’s interesting. And who’s she?”

“I wish I knew. Didn’t have a chance to meet her, and Giles, he’s not quiet talkative when it comes to such things. We call her Lady in Red. He was spotted accompanied by a woman in the red dress on more than one occasion. Andrew saw them, but couldn’t identify this lady. Whoever she is, I’m happy for our Giles.”

“Ladyyy in reeed” – Xander sang somewhat off key. Willow just smiled her trademark smile.

“You don’t afraid she could be another Praying Mantis chick or… some demoness in disguise?” – brown-eyed man inquired.

Willow pushed her lips in a fake pouting expression.

“Don’t be jealous, Harris” – she said teasingly.

“Yeah, that’s me, Rosenberg. Can’t help it, you know.”

He looked her straight in the beautiful green eyes, his own gaze full of love for his oldest friend in the whole world.

“And how are you, Wills? It’s been forever since the last time we met. I missed you so much…” – words stuck in his throat as the tender wave of nostalgia washed over him.  
“I know it, Xander. I missed you too.” – she delicately took his hand in hers. – “The thing I hate the most about this whole current situation, is that I can’t spend time with my best bud like I used to”.

Xander just nodded.

“Me too, Wills. I can’t describe how I love moments like this and how I lack them when I’m someplace else.” He gently stroke her cheek with his finger. – “So tell me something about yourself and the latest developments…”

“I-I’m fine, you know. I’ve got this working schedule that keeps me occupied. If I don’t have classes in the University, I usually help Giles with Council’s affairs here in England or accompany Buffy in her trips elsewhere. Then there’s this magic thing and Convent. There are times when I wake up in the morning and don’t know whether I end up somewhere in L.A., Cleveland or Tokyo by the end of the day, or not. I-I m-mean it’s alright, and it’s kinda fun, and I’m not complaining, and I like to move and to be of some help… I can’t sit and wait, when there’s the matter of life and death at hand… But there are also moments when I think I miss something very important, that I run out of some chances. You know what I mean?..”

Xander nodded in return. He never stopped loving her babble.

“I know, Will. I know.” – he almost whispered. – “I appreciate everything you do and I am more than happy that you’re here with us, but… It wouldn’t be that bad if you thought a little more about yourself, Wills.”

“You know, Evelyn says exactly the same thing” – she sighed smiling.

“Evelyn?”

“My girlfriend” – Willow clarified. – “She works with me in the University. I thought I told you about her…”

“Is she hot?”

“Xander!” – she nipped his hand playfully.

“Anyway, Wills, you’re so much more than just a magic or what you do” – Xander continued. – “You’re the most important person in my life, Willow Rosenberg. Always were, always will be. I want you to be happy. If there is any person who deserves pure happiness for the rest of her life, it’s you”.

“Thanks, Xander. I’m blessed to have you in my life.” – Willow leaned and gave her best friend a hug. – “Don’t know what I would do if you weren’t there. I love my best buddy. Now you tell me how’s it going?”

Xander ran his hand through his hair, then paused for a moment. He glanced at the sunset sky above, as if searching for a clue to his friend’s question. The redhead looked at him warmly, but did not push for immediate answer.

“You know, Wills, it’s really nothing special.” – he paused again, seeing Willow’s skeptical smile. – “After more than ten years I got used to all this vampires and slayer-related stuff. Ain’t got no feeling I’m doing something extraordinary. Honestly, Will… Like I told those creepy Council guys a couple of years ago, I’m helping Buffy, helping all of you. Everybody’s got a job to do, so do I… As for your question, we were involved in some demon hunting across the Himalayas, usual stuff. Chasing and clashing, slaying, then slaying more, saving some beautiful Nepalese damsels in distress, y’know. I’ll be gone helping Faith and Spike in a day or two. Hope we’ll finish off the last pockets of this demonic resistance”.

“Xander the White Knight”, – Willow said, gazing at her friend with this familiar look in her eyes – the one she used to have back in those school days, when Xander Harris was the center of her universe. – “Still saving others, still helping others…”

“It is my mission, Will” – Xander said, noticing again how beautiful his Willow was. How could he be such a fool? How could he lose the only woman he could have been happy with? – “As long as you need me I will be by your side. I’ll do everything to keep my friends and everyone I love safe, as corny as it sounds…”

“You’re my hero, Xand” – redhead almost whispered. – “Our hero. I do really appreciate everything you do, Xander. I always did. I’m sorry I didn’t say it that often in the past. But the thing is, you’re extraordinary person, Xander, and yeah, all of us owe you much. I owe you my life and my sanity.”

Xander opened his mouth to protest, but Willow shushed her buddy, placing forefinger on his lips, her Resolve Face firmly in place.

“No, Xander. I-I want you t-to know how m-much you mean to me, to everyone. Don’t deny it. ‘Cause I can’t stand seeing how you sometimes belittle yourself and try to look unimportant. You are important, Xander, always have been. You don’t deserve to be neglected or taken for granted. And I have this firm belief that sometimes y-you need to put yourself first either. Not the world, not your job, not someone else, just yourself”.

Xander sighed and gave his Willow-shaped friend a hug.

“Thanks, Wills. But… you know… I’m not that good in dealing with everyday life. You’re my friend since forever and you know my track record. There are times I do want to settle down and start a family or something… But then the conversation you, me and Buff had after Moloch case at high school comes to mind, and I realize that life as most people view it is not the option. At least for me”.

“Xander…”

“Look, Wills, I appreciate your concern and I’m happy I got someone who cares for me…” – he kissed Willow on the forehead. – “But you and me, we are mature enough to know what it’s like to deal with the things we deal. It’s like walking on razor’s edge...”

“You don’t have to walk down this road for the rest of your life” – the witch told Xander, looking him in his one good eye. – “You have every right to settle down or have a break…”

“I don’t wanna settle down, Willow… I belong where I am. I can’t leave it all behind. I can’t leave you, Buffy or Dawnie… You are my family… And I’m afraid I’m not able to combine slaying with raising kids, y’know… The last thing I want is to make someone – girlfriend, or wife and kiddies – go through all these things when they know their loved one is not coming home. I don’t want anyone go through the pain of losing…”

Xander always said something he began to regret in a minute.

“What about me, Xander?” – Willow asked suddenly, tears glistening in her green eyes. – “I don’t want to lose you either…”

They set in silence for a moment. Neither knew what to say.

“You’re strong, Wills” – the dark-haired man said softly, inhaling the smell of autumn leaves. He looked at his oldest friend. He felt she was afraid for him. – “Look, Wills, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put it this way… As you know, I always say something… stu… inappropriate… It’s gonna be alright, Willow. I’ll be here as long as you need me.”

“I’m afraid, Xander.” – she almost begged…

“Wills” – Xander tried to cheer up the girl he loved the most in this whole world, putting his hands on her shoulders. – “Calm down. Please. I’ll be alright.”

He kissed his friend on a forehead and carefully touched the tear in her right eye. “Everything’s fine, sweetie. I’m not going to leave you anytime soon. I’m determined to help Spikey and Faith kick those monsters’ asses. And then I will come back to my Willow and we’ll eat Twinkies, watch the Star Wars or help G-Man with some research.”

Xander babbled almost running out of breath.

“Promise?” – she asked him, trying to crack a smile through the tears.

“Of course, I do.” – Xander answered, embracing his friend.

“Be careful.”

“You too.”

The witch had a sinking sensation this would be her last conversation with her oldest friend…

_Take away the pain, inside my soul_   
_And I'm afraid, so all alone_

_Take away the pain, that's burning in my soul_   
_Cause I'm afraid that I'll be all alone_   
_So just hold me, hold me, hold me_

_Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me_   
_Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me_

_And oh no, don't let me go cause all I am_   
_You hold in your hands, and hold me_   
_And I'll make it through the night_   
_And I'll be alright, hold on, hold on to my heart…_

_End flashback._

  
*****  
_Do the shadows of my memory_  
 _From a long ago time_  
 _Lead a path to the other lives of me_  
 _Souls of past great divides…_

Willow woke up, lying inside the grotto, which was the witness to her late night conversations. The sun rays tenderly caressed her pale skin, announcing the break of day. The sound of water dripping reminded of some familiar mystic melody.

Willow looked around. Her troubled sleep did very little to make young woman rest for a little while. She could still hear both conversations – with the Messenger from the last night and the final with Xander before he… – inside her mind. She didn’t want to think about the first one, while every thought of the second one brought tears to her eyes.

Willow knew her choice was right. Power and Immortality didn’t mean a thing for her if solitude had to be the price. Aluwyn won’t understand her decision. Probably she will not accept it either. But that didn’t bother redhead when she was bathing in the sunlight of an early morning in this strange place.

Did the snake-lady really understand Willow the way Wicca’s friends did? Did Aluwyn really accept her as a whole – with all her human nature? Was she able to see something else behind magic and power? Did she know that apart from being a kick-ass witch, Willow was still a human like the rest of ‘em? Too many questions, not enough willingness to answer them.

Willow didn’t know whether her journey was over or had it just begun. She had no idea where she would be tomorrow. She knew it could get tough and wasn’t sure if she’d be able to deal with it.

She had learned not to plan too much, because everything like that has a tendency to turn to dust. From now on Willow’s life consisted almost entirely of some short and bright moments together with memories of sweetness and pain.

She was brought forth unto this world with nothing and with nothing she’d depart. With the reopening of every old wound the memories were all that remained. Those memories, images and words, hopes and dreams, joys and heartbreaks will stay with her until the very last day…

Willow stood up and slowly approached the well. The sun was gleaming in its crystal clear water. She raised her head up: the sky was blue with some small clouds scattered here and there. She tried to crack a smile.

Willow stripped naked and cautiously went into the water. The coldness pierced her fragile body like a thousand needles. But she didn’t care. She wanted to wash away the yesterday’s dust. She had a long way to go…

**The End.**


End file.
